Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Marge? Since I’m not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?Marge: Dear, please [...]

‘Bloody brilliant’
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
Whoever coined [...]