‘Bloody brilliant’

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked!

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”

“Just because you got the monkey off your back does not mean the circus has left town.”

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“If god had intended us not to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.”